Wolf Quest User Writings Contest Story -EDIT

[Oxy]

The sunset's many hues seemed to be reflected on the wolf's russet coat. She blinked a few times, but by then, the sun had nearly been swallowed up by the distant mountains. The death of the sun, at the end of each day, was immanent. It was much like the circle of life, actually, but the wolf wasn't think that. No, no, she was only thinking about the elk she had eaten earlier.

This wolf had lived for 5 years, but now, she is only receiving a name. What will it be? We should keep it simple. How about D? Yes, yes, I like the name too. Short and sweet. Now, D was a dispersal wolf, but eventually she made her own pack, composed of her offspring and her mate. She was out by the creek now, watching the ball of light called "sun" die off and be replaced by the other called "". The whole thing was rather complicated, actually, but she didn't question it. Mostly because she was incapable of doing so, but aside, because it was what it was. There was no point in screwing around with the balance.

She went back to her den, however instead of the usual dull retreat she decided to watch the colors, or what they could be, For all she knew everything could be green. The whole world was a dull, zodiac grey, but shall we pretend that she could see them? Sometimes she just would sit here and watch them. The colors were truly beautiful. Life was beautiful. After the show fizzled out, she retreated and was greeted with something even more beautiful: Her newest litter. They were able to leave the den, actually, but haven't, yet. Tomorrow. She curled up and pretty much bored herself to sleep. Moments like this weren't beautiful, actually, and made her feel like drowning in the grey that enveloped her.

The next morning she was greeted with what seemed to be the same scene. One difference: The sun was on the other side, and was actually rising from it's slumber. It appeared her mate and other pups (grown, mind you.) had awoken already, so D slipped back into the den and dragged one of her pups out. The little thing whimpered pitifully, but actually loved it afterwards. Silly thing. Each one had just about the same reaction. Her eldest, grown son played and romped about with her young ones, while the other grown wolves were quite... partial to the litter. It probed her curiosity, but not much. She would be pretty angry with whoever stole her spotlight too. It was rather petty, though. Circle of life, dummies. But no, no, D wouldn't -couldn't actually- think that. No, she was concerned with what she and her pack were going to eat today. With a hop and a sprint, she was off hunting.

A few hours later she came and re-deposited some food for her young. The others could go without. Well, actually, they probably couldn't. Whatever. The day passed in a haze. The colors at the end of the day. For all she knew, she could wake up at the start of the end of the world.

During the night, her eyes flew open. The world was moving under her feet. What was happening? Maybe... maybe she was waking up to the end of the world. She stood, but was instantly flung back down. Everybody was being tossed about. Whimpers flooded her ears. High pitched and piercing. They were enough to drive you crazy. She couldn't say she didn't feel bad for her offspring and mate, being tossed about. Two of her young pups had been killed already, flung into trees. The quaking earth caused trees to fall, but also your very sanity and assistance to fall as well. There went her final two puppies. Crushed by the evil things crashing down. The elk herd was obviously set off as well. None of them had a chance. None of them. She had brought this on somehow, and she knew it.

Now, in retrospect, this wasn't true. But a wolf in the middle of an earthquake was probably going to think whatever came to mind. By the time the quake was over, everybody was dead. Everybody but D. Although, she was probably mentally dead by now. Pitiful. She was pitiful. The once-russet wolf was coated in mud. Her bright yellow eyes seemed to lose their shine as they stared into the distance any what might lay there. The bodies of her family had been long washed away by the ebbing current. She stood. The lightning in the distance reflected in her eyes. D wasn't gone for good, despite her mental rupturing.

She walked away from the area. Nothing was left here, only bad thoughts. She continued in the distance that she stared at for so long. It seemed no better than where she had been before, although the forest was more dense here, and there were more fallen trees. Eventually, she asked her inner self a question. Show me how to lie. D needed the answer. She needed it quickly. She was drifting closer to insanity. Someone was going to pay. Whatever horrible being who did this. They might as well have ripped into the very cloth of her sanity. Actually, they did already, but, of course, she wasn't realizing this just yet. No, no, but it had.

She took a big gulp of reality. Nothing was going to return as usual. She wouldn't wake from this nightmare. D would continue to suffer from it her entire life. She was very beside herself about this, after all. After a few hours of fighting with herself D collapsed on the forest floor. The bright colors displayed by the sun no longer illuminated the world. Perhaps it was sad at what had happened as well. The moon and stars soon replaced the clouds and sun from before. She eventually fell into the grasp of sleep, however unfortunately. Her dreams were lucid and cruel. They made her relive the horror from hours ago, watching each of her pups die. It was a safe bet that D was scared. Very scared.

The next morning she rose and caught a blur of russet. No scent hit her nose but sight was enough. She pursued the shape, the survivor, in hopes of companionship. Whatever it was didn't seem to be aggressive. At least, not in her mind. The creature turned and faced her with stunning yellow eyes and stared her down. Not coldly, more in a surprised manner. D did the same, taken aback by him. We shall call him L. L had also survived the quake not unlike D. He had also lost his family and mate and had the same intentions as D. The pair looked strikingly similar, with the same rusty coat and yellow eyes that stood out so. After a few hours the pair traveled together and beheld many sights. By the end of the day they were standing on a cliff gazing at another river flowing through an open valley. Forest lined the space and a butte rose up. It was blissful here. Bliss. Something they hadn't experienced for what seemed to be a long time.

L began to continue down the slope and took a quick, inviting glance at D as to make her come. He went on before she did but she followed suit, avoiding many rocks and trees along the way. The fresh air reminded her of home. Home, a thing she wouldn't meet again. Invasive thoughts conquered her attempts to extinguish them. She just let them. Things were going to happen and in retrospect, her moping about solved nothing at all. After about 20 minutes travel the two wolves were on flat ground. What they had seen earlier seemed not to even exist. D decided to dub the area Slough Creek, due to her "shedding" her old self and becoming a whole new wolf. Ah, philosophy.

After taking a long, satisfactory drink at the river, D and L continued on at a slow, trudging pace. It was painful, actually, how slow it was. The air was muggy and added to the effect. The sun held itself above them for what seemed like hours and heated up everything. It was horrible. Like, your worst nightmare horrible. Nature could be unforgivable. The pair relentlessly struggled on all while being miserable. D's blood was practically boiling under her skin, and the way she clenched her teeth didn't help at all.

D was stoic and serious during the whole ordeal. He decided that maybe he would set an example for the struggling D beside him. Although, the male was suffering badly on the inside. Images of his own family flashed by and caused him lots of anguish. His pups, his mate... All the positive in him fought hard and long. He glanced at D with dulled yellow eyes and sat. The female before him practically fell on the ground in a heap of sighs and uncomfortableness. She hated this, although they had traveled a good deal since the start.

After more anger, and L even snapping at D at one point, the wolves entered a stretch of forest and proceeded to become mates. No puppies ever came, though. No signs of them showed on her body and eventually they gave up. D became more depressed about this. How could this happen? What terrible being made all this happen to her? Between all the deaths and the puppies that never would be, she was mentally falling apart. Thoughts plagued her every night and drove away any sleep. The colors that once interested her seemed distant and meaningless. Life had lost its beauty. L was, as usual, solemn. He paid next to no heed to her depression and only really interacted with her when hunting. He became more distant than herself. As if, really, he did not care for the barren female.

Really, she was lucky he had stood with her this far, but her streak of luck had ended one day. His cold stare pierced into her very soul. She played that russet male for a complete and utter fool. Those days of running around and playing were over. All of that ended as he mysteriously walked away, those legs pulling forward in the wind. At first, she thought he was hunting and she caught up to him in a jog. She looked to him with bright gold eyes. He turned away and let out a growl. Her heart jumped at this. Never had he done this. As he turned as to avoid her she caught up and he went out into full dominance mode and made an attempt to strike her jugular. She moved just in time and ran away. Far, far away. D hated him now, that disgusting creature. No more would she think of her family, no, she thought about him.

Thoughts of murder filled up her brain capacity. She was angry, so angry. She wanted L to die. Sin plagued her. He would die. She stepped deeper into the shade of the trees and many scents wafted through her nostrils but only one caught her. L. He was here. She quickly altered her course and followed relentlessly, running and resting when necessary. She could pick up pace very quickly, she noticed. Pure rage fueled her along now. She probably couldn't run like this before. The scent slowly became fresher every step D took.

Wrath could really change a creature. The forest floor eventually rose to become cliffs that towered over everything else. By this time the sun was setting. She maliciously glowered at the sunset. She inhaled deeply at the fresh scent of L. No more of him. Her ears perked forward and she grinned. She caught sight of him right then. He was shocked as she lunged at him. She missed but he stumbled. His pupils dilated as he slowly lost his footing. She didn't realize, really, as she only focused at his eyes. D lunged again and took him off the edge and nearly herself as well. He fell and eventually hit the ground and died bloodless. Suddenly a realization struck the murderer. All those moments with L, he seemed to vanish. The thing was, though, he was never there in the first place.

L had never existed.

[Sunny]

"This wolf had lived for 5 years, but now, she is only receiving a name now" << Homestuck referance X3

[Oxy]

YUPYUP. Because, well, I loved that line.

[Sunny]

The colour isn't showing, but most of my edits are written in parentheses beside the sentence in question.

The sunset's many hues seemed to be reflected on the wolf's russet coat. She blinked a few times, but by then, the sun had nearly been swallowed up by the distant mountains. The death of the sun at the end of each day was imminent. It was much like the circle of life, actually, but the wolf wasn't thinking that. No, no, she was only thinking about the elk she had eaten earlier.

This wolf had lived for 5 years, but now, she is only receiving a name (kind of wordy. . . I get what you’re trying to say, but if you can make it more concise it would be better. I think the major problem is the use of the word “only”.). What will it be? We should keep it simple. How about D? Yes, yes, I (try not to switch POV) like the name too. Short and sweet. Now, D was a dispersal (dispersal?) wolf, but eventually she made her own pack, composed of her offspring and her mate. She was out by the creek now, watching the ball of light called "sun" die off and be replaced by the other called "(the suspense is killing me. . .)". The whole thing was rather complicated, actually, but she didn't question it. Mostly because she was incapable of doing so, but aside, because it was what it was (this is a fragment and isn’t very clear. I would delete it and work it into your previous sentence). There was no point in screwing around with the balance.

She went back to her den; however, instead of the usual dull retreat she decided to watch the colors, or what they could be, for all she knew everything could be green. The whole world was a dull, zodiac grey, but shall we (no POV switching, por favor) pretend that she could see them? Sometimes she would just sit here and watch them. The colors were truly beautiful. Life was beautiful. After the show fizzled out she retreated and was greeted with something even more beautiful: Her newest litter. They were able to leave the den, actually, but hadn’t, yet. Tomorrow (I would revise this to be a full sentence. I see what you’re doing with the short statements, but all these clipped phrases are making the general tone slow and is distracting from the scene you are trying to set up). She curled up and pretty much bored herself to sleep. Moments like this weren't beautiful, actually, and made her feel like drowning in the grey that enveloped her.

The next morning she was greeted with what seemed to be the same scene. One difference: The sun was on the other side, and was actually rising from its slumber. It appeared her mate and other pups (grown, mind you) had awoken already, so D slipped back into the den and dragged one of her pups out (this sentence was kind of awkward. I would take out the words in parentheses and chance the word “other” to “older”). The little thing whimpered pitifully, but actually loved it afterwards (Could be more strongly written as: “the little thing whimpered pitifully, but warmed up to it quickly” or something to that effect. Try to avoid using words like “actually”). Silly thing (this sentence reminds me of Mrs. Weasley ). Each one had just about the same reaction. Her eldest, grown son played and romped about with her young ones, while the other grown wolves were quite... partial to the litter. It probed her curiosity, but not much. She would be pretty angry with whoever stole her spotlight, too. It was rather petty, though. Circle of life, dummies. But no, no, D wouldn't -couldn't actually- think that. No, she was concerned with what she and her pack were going to eat today (These last four sentences could be summed up in one. Something along the lines of “D paused a moment to admire the scene, but was brought back to reality by the realization that the pups would need food before long”). With a hop and a sprint, she was off hunting.

A few hours later she came and re-deposited (re-deposited? When did she deposit it the first time?) some food for her young. The others could go without. Well, actually, they probably couldn't. Whatever. The day passed in a haze. The colors at the end of the day (this statement seems sort of random). For all she knew, she could wake up at the start of the end of the world (foreshadowing, maybe? .

During the night, her eyes flew open. The world was moving under her feet. What was happening? Maybe... maybe she was waking up to the end of the world. She stood, but was instantly flung back down. Everybody was being tossed about. Whimpers flooded her ears (*builds bridge between sentences using only a comma*) High pitched and piercing. They were enough to drive you (there’s that POV thing again! Replace you with anyone) crazy. She couldn't say she didn't feel bad for her offspring and mate, being tossed about. Two of her young pups had been killed already, flung into trees (maybe you should name some of these characters, even if they’re minor, it just seems like D doesn’t care about them enough to know their names). The quaking earth caused trees to fall, but also your (again, try to stay in third person) very sanity and assistance (?) to fall as well (take out either the “also” or the “as well”). There went her final two puppies (commas are your friends) Crushed by the evil things crashing down. The elk herd was obviously set off as well (elk? You haven’t mentioned elk before). None of them had a chance (use ALL the commas!) None of them. She had brought this on somehow, and she knew it.

Now, in retrospect, this wasn't true. But a wolf in the middle of an earthquake was probably going to think whatever came to mind. By the time the ‘quake was over, everybody was dead. Everybody but D (these two can go together) Although, she was probably mentally dead by now. Pitiful. She was pitiful. The once-russet wolf was coated in mud. Her bright yellow eyes seemed to lose their shine as they stared into the distance and what might lay there. The bodies of her family had been long washed away by the ebbing current (whoa, whoa. Is this wolf a time traveler? I thought this earthquake just happened). She stood. The lightning in the distance reflected in her eyes. D wasn't gone for good, despite her mental rupturing. (I see where this is going. . .)

She walked away from the area. Nothing was left here, only bad thoughts (maybe replace “thoughts” with “memories”?). She continued in the distance that she’d stared at for so long. It seemed no better than where she had been before, although the forest was denser here, and there were more fallen trees. Eventually, she asked her inner self a question. Show me how to lie (maybe replace “show” with “teach”?). D needed the answer, and she needed it quickly. She was drifting closer to insanity (I like your word choices here). Someone was going to pay. Whatever horrible being that did this. They might as well have ripped into the very cloth of her sanity. Actually, they did already, but, of course, she wasn't realizing this just yet. No, no, but it had (I would take out this last sentence, it doesn’t really have a reason for being here).

She took a big gulp of reality. Nothing was going to return as usual (return to normal?). She wouldn't wake from this nightmare. D would continue to suffer from it her entire life. She was beside herself about this, after all. After a few hours of fighting with herself D collapsed on the forest floor. The bright colors displayed by the sun no longer illuminated the world. Perhaps the sun was sad about what had happened as well. The moon and stars soon replaced the clouds and sun from before. She eventually fell into the grasp of sleep, however unfortunately. Her dreams were lucid and cruel. They made her relive the horror from hours ago, watching each of her pups die (I’m really confused about the time frame this is taking place in. Earlier you said that the bodies of her family had long been washed away by the current which makes me think it’s been longer than a few hours since the ‘quake). It was a safe bet that D was scared. Very scared. (Be afraid . . . be very afraid)

The next morning she rose and caught a blur of russet. No scent hit her nose but sight was enough. She pursued the shape, the survivor, in hopes of companionship. Whatever it was, it didn't seem to be aggressive. At least, not in her mind. The creature turned and faced her with stunning yellow eyes and stared her down. Not coldly, more in a surprised manner. D did the same, taken aback by him. We shall call him L. L had also survived the quake not unlike D (take out this sentence. He’s obviously a survivor if he’s moving and staring). He had also lost his family and mate and had the same intentions as D. The pair looked strikingly similar, with the same rusty coat and yellow eyes that stood out so. After a few hours the pair traveled together and beheld many sights. By the end of the day they were standing on a cliff gazing at another river flowing through an open valley. Forest lined the space and a butte rose up. It was blissful here. Bliss. Something they hadn't experienced for what seemed to be a long time.

L began to continue down the slope and took a quick, inviting glance at D as to make her come. He went on before she did (maybe change to “he went on ahead of her”) and she followed suit, avoiding many rocks and trees along the way. The fresh air reminded her of home. Home, a thing she wouldn't (maybe change to “would never”) meet again. Invasive thoughts conquered her attempts to extinguish them (I like this sentence : ). She just let them. Things were going to happen and, in retrospect, her moping about solved nothing at all. After about 20 minutes travel the two wolves were on flat ground. What they had seen earlier seemed not to even exist. D decided to dub the area Slough Creek, due to her "shedding" her old self and becoming a whole new wolf. Ah, philosophy.

After taking a long, satisfactory (change to “satisfying”) drink at the river, D and L continued on at a slow, trudging pace. It was painful, actually, how slow it was. The air was muggy and added to the effect. The sun held itself above them for what seemed like hours and heated up everything (well, the sun usually does hold itself up for hours. . .?). It was horrible. Like, your (3rd person, please) worst nightmare horrible (you could take out this sentence. It doesn’t really fit with the tone of the story). Nature could be unforgivable. The pair relentlessly struggled on all while being miserable. D's blood was practically boiling under her skin, and the way she clenched her teeth didn't help at all.

L was stoic (I hate the word stoic, but I suppose it works here XP) and serious during the whole ordeal. He decided that maybe (If you take out “maybe” this would be stronger) he would set an example for the struggling D beside him (COMMA!) Although, the male was suffering badly on the inside (or, you could revise this so that it is not a fragment). Images of his own family flashed by and caused him lots of anguish. His pups, his mate . . . all the positive in him fought hard and long (maybe rewrite as “he fought hard and long to remain positive” or something like that). He glanced at D with dulled yellow eyes and sat. The female before him practically fell on the ground in a heap of sighs and uncomfortableness (discomfort, love. Uncomfortableness is not a word). She hated this, although they had traveled a good deal since the start (I’m not quite sure what the point you’re trying to get across here is. Are you trying to say D is ashamed of her weakness even though she and L have been traveling together, or are you saying she’s ashamed of her weakness even though they had made good progress?).

After more (more anger? I didn’t see any anger to begin with . . .?) anger, and L even snapping at D at one point, the wolves entered a stretch of forest and proceeded to become mates (again, a little confusing with the time frame). No puppies ever came, though. No signs of them showed on D’s body and eventually they gave up. D became more depressed about this. How could this happen? What terrible being made all this happen to her? Between all the deaths and the puppies that never would (maybe change to “would never” . . . dunno why, but this sounds smoother to me. *shrugs*) be, she was mentally falling apart. Thoughts plagued her every night and drove away any sleep. The colors that once interested her seemed distant and meaningless. Life had lost its beauty. L was, as usual, solemn. He paid next to no heed to her depression and only really interacted with her when hunting. He became more distant than D. As if, really, he did not care for the barren female.

Really, she was lucky he had stood with her this far, but her streak of luck had ended one day (maybe change to “One day, her brief streak of luck with L came to a sudden end”). His cold stare pierced into her very soul. She played that russet male for a complete and utter fool. Those days of running around and playing were over. All of that ended as he mysteriously walked away, those legs pulling forward in the wind. At first, she thought he was hunting and she caught up to him in a jog. She looked to him with bright gold eyes. He turned away and let out a growl. Her heart jumped at this. Never had he done this (maybe change to “never had he displayed this sort of aggression before”). As he turned to avoid her she caught up and he went out into full dominance mode and made an attempt to strike her jugular. She moved just in time and ran away. Far, far away (Lion King moment). D hated him now, that disgusting creature. No more would she think of her family, no, she thought about him.

Thoughts of murder filled up her brain capacity. She was angry, so angry. She wanted L to die. Sin plagued (I would say “consumed” rather than “plagued”)her. He would die. She stepped deeper into the shade of the trees and many scents wafted through her nostrils, but only one caught her: L. He was here. She quickly altered her course and followed relentlessly, running and resting when necessary. She could pick up pace (replace “pick up pace” with “accelerate”?) very quickly, she noticed. Pure rage fueled her along now. She probably couldn't run like this before. The scent slowly became fresher with every step D took.

Wrath could really change a creature. The forest floor eventually rose to become cliffs that towered over everything else. By this time the sun was setting. She maliciously glowered at the sunset. She inhaled deeply at the fresh scent of L. No more of him. Her ears perked forward and she grinned. She caught sight of him right then. He was shocked as she lunged at him. She missed but he stumbled. His pupils dilated as he slowly lost his footing. She didn't realize, really, as she only focused at his eyes. D lunged again and took him off the edge and nearly herself as well. He fell and eventually hit the ground and died bloodless. Suddenly a realization struck the murderer. All those moments with L, he seemed to vanish. The thing was, though, he was never there in the first place.

L had never existed. (dun dun DUN! Good ending)
Overall: It’s not bad, but definitely could be improved. One thing I can’t edit is how well you planned it. While I read it, the whole thing seemed like you threw it together off the top of your head. If you went back, developed the characters a little more and cured your fragment-itus it could be really good.
D and L as characters both seem rather flat. The entire story D is depressed and she doesn’t really grow or change in any way and there’s never really that shift where she either fights against her depression or submits to it. There’s never that hard-core decision that : I’m going to kill myself because I can’t live like this anymore or I can’t stand having my emotions rule me and I’m taking back control with as much force as necessary. Unless having L be a figment of her imagination was supposed to be a metaphor and by killing him she was actually killing the part of her that was sane or insane. In that case there needs to be more of a distinction between the two of them. Their core traits are too similar. One should be the happy, love-struck D and the other could be the depressed, heart-broken L or vice versa.
I love how you tell the story from a very hands-off perspective, like you are simply there observing all of this. It brings in a sense of reality and highlights the fact that wolves are wild animals that have little capacity for thought and act purely on the will to survive and prosper.
You have written a very mature story for someone who is only 11. You’re a brilliant writer, though I’ll say I’ve seen you write better in role play. I think that when you wrote this you weren’t quite on your game, but it has a lot of potential if you’re willing to go back and really get into D’s head, give her more dynamic so that her character attracts your audience. I don’t mean make her all nicety-nice, but make her more relatable. She’s a mother, so make her be more loving towards her family or something. Then when the earthquake strikes it will be 3 times more emotional for her. The story revolves around her and what’s going on in her head, so give her a more complex mind and you’ll have a more complex plot. Understand what I’m getting at?
Keep writing! Just like everything in life, practice makes perfect.

[Oxy]

^Thanks for that! . I like the feedback you gave me, it helps pretty well with the story, and I enjoyed reading your corrections and comments.

[Vilkodanto/Elektra]

These are my edits. They may be the same as Sunny’s. I didn’t look over his. Feel like helpin. Although I doubt I’m gonna help you much… Remember everything I say here is what I believe will make it a better story. Therefore they are all suggestions you don’t need to keep any of them.
To give you as little confusion as possible when reading this:
Your Text (my edit)
Sentence A. Sentence B. (Sentence A and B need to be combined)

The sunset's many hues seemed to be reflected on the wolf's russet coat. She blinked a few times, but by then, the sun had nearly been swallowed up by the distant mountains. (It sounds fine to me, but Word disagrees. Up to you, but it says to change it to “the distant mountains had nearly swallowed up the sun”) The death of the sun, at the end of each day, was immanent. It was much like the circle of life, actually, but the wolf wasn't think(ing like?) that. No, no, (I get the voice your trying to use, but repetition. I, personally advise against it, but it’s up to you if you keep it or not) she was only thinking about the elk she had eaten earlier.

This wolf had lived for 5 years, but now (no comma) she is only (was, don’t switch tense and I advise against only) receiving a name. What will it be? We should keep it simple. How about D? Yes, yes, I like the name too. (here you went from third person to first person. Try something more like, “What should it be? It should be kept simple. How about D? D sounds fine.” Or something to that effect) Short and sweet. Now, D was a dispersal wolf, but eventually she made her own pack, composed (I would use “only”, but again, up to you) of her offspring and her mate. She was out by the creek now, watching the ball of light called "sun" die off and be replaced by the other called ""(moon?). The whole thing was rather complicated, actually, but she didn't question it. Mostly because she was incapable of doing so, but aside, because it was what it was. (I suggest rewording this. It’s a fragment. Possibly fit it into the sentence before) There was no point in screwing around with the balance.

She went back to her den, (I suggest adding detail to this first sentence such as “padded into her stone den” or whatever it is, and then making the next one its own sentence) however instead of the usual dull retreat (.) she decided to watch the colors, or what they could be(.) For all she knew everything could be green. The whole world was a dull, zodiac grey, but shall we pretend that she could see them? (POV I get what you’re doing, but it need to be worked into the story better. Perhaps some sentence about it in the exposition when you’re describing the wolf) Sometimes she just would (I recommend “would just”) sit here and watch them. The colors were truly beautiful. Life was beautiful. After the show fizzled out, she retreated and was greeted with something even more beautiful: Her newest litter. They were able to leave the den, actually, but haven't, yet. Tomorrow. (add detail to this sentence. I see what you’re trying to do, but you’re using short sentences a tad too much) She curled up and pretty much bored herself to sleep. Moments like this weren't beautiful, actually, and made her feel like drowning in the grey that enveloped her. (moments like what?)

(Right now I’m seeing that you’re using a LOT of the word “she”. Try using D or she-wolf or some other describing word. She over and over can bore and/or confuse the reader. Especially when more characters get mixed in.)

The next morning she was greeted with what seemed to be the same scene. One difference: The sun was on the other side, and was actually rising from its (rising from it is slumber does not make sense. It should be its) slumber. It appeared her mate and other pups (grown, mind you.) had awoken already, so D slipped back into the den and dragged one of her pups out. (using other there implies her mate is also a pup. and I advise against parenthesis in a story) The little thing whimpered pitifully, but actually loved it afterwards. Silly thing. Each one had just about the same reaction. Her eldest, grown son played and romped about with her young ones, while the other grown wolves were quite... partial to the litter. (try taking out “, grown” and change her young ones to the young ones) It probed her curiosity, but not much. She would be pretty angry (at) whoever stole her spotlight too. It was rather petty, though. Circle of life, dummies. (POV) But no, no, D wouldn't -couldn't(,) actually- think that. No, she was concerned with what she and her pack were going to eat today. With a hop and a sprint, she was off hunting.

A few hours later she came and re-deposited some food for her young. The others could go without. Well, actually, they probably couldn't. Whatever. (it’s unlikely a mother wold would let her young starve. Even if it meant starving herself. It wouldn’t be a matter of “Whatever”) The day passed in a haze. The colors at the end of the day. (This fragment confuses me and will most likely confuse other readers.) For all she knew, she could wake up at the start of the end of the world.

During the night, her eyes flew open. The world was moving under her feet. What was happening? Maybe... maybe she was waking up to the end of the world. She stood, but was instantly flung back down. Everybody was being tossed about. Whimpers flooded her ears. High pitched and piercing. They were enough to drive you crazy. She couldn't say she didn't feel bad for her offspring and mate, being tossed about. Two of her young pups had been killed already, flung into trees. The quaking earth caused trees to fall, but also your very sanity and assistance to fall as well.(their very sanity, we are not in this story) There went her final two puppies. Crushed by the evil things crashing down. (I suggest you combing these two. “Evil things crashing down crushed her final two puppies”) The elk herd was obviously set off as well. None of them had a chance. None of them. (The repetition isn’t needed. You could fit it into the story if you didn’t use none of them. Perhaps not a single one of them. Or something to that effect) She had brought this on somehow, and she knew it.

Now, in retrospect, this wasn't true. But a wolf in the middle of an earthquake was probably going to think whatever came to mind. By the time the quake was over, everybody was dead. Everybody but D. Although, she was probably mentally dead by now. Pitiful. She was pitiful. (repetition) The once-russet wolf was coated in mud. Her bright yellow eyes seemed to lose their (thank you for using the right their. I would have had to slap you) shine as they stared into the distance and what (may lie) there. The bodies of her family had been long washed away by the ebbing current. She stood. The lightning in the distance reflected in her eyes. D wasn't gone for good, despite her mental rupturing.

She walked away from the area. Nothing was left here, only bad thoughts. She continued in the distance that she stared at for so long. It seemed no better than where she had been before, although the forest was (denser) here, and there were more fallen trees. Eventually, she asked her inner self a question. Show me how to lie. (you need quotes or italics to represent the thought oh… and all I can think of here is You’re gonna go far kid) D needed the answer. She needed it quickly. She was drifting closer to insanity. Someone was going to pay. Whatever horrible being who did this. They might as well have ripped into the very cloth of her sanity. Actually, they did already, but, of course, she wasn't realizing this just yet. (more than 3 commas in sentence is advised against) No, no, but it had.

She took a big gulp of reality. Nothing was going to return as usual (to normal). She wouldn't wake from this nightmare. D would continue to suffer from it (for) her entire life. She was very beside herself about this, after all. After a few hours of fighting with herself, D collapsed on the forest floor. The bright colors displayed by the sun no longer illuminated the world. Perhaps it was sad at what had happened as well. (maybe it’s just me, but I had to read over this a couple times to get what you were saying) The moon and stars soon replaced the clouds and sun from before. She eventually fell into the grasp of sleep, however unfortunately. Her dreams were lucid and cruel. They made her relive the horror from hours ago, watching each of her pups die. It was a safe bet that D was scared. Very scared.

The next morning she rose and caught a blur of russet. No scent hit her nose but sight was enough. She pursued the shape, the survivor, in hopes of companionship. Whatever it was didn't seem to be aggressive. At least, not in her mind. The creature turned and faced her with stunning yellow eyes and stared her down. Not coldly, more in a surprised manner. (fix this sentence) D did the same, taken aback by him. We shall call him L. (POV) L had also survived the quake not unlike D. He had also lost his family and mate and had the same intentions as D. The pair looked strikingly similar, with the same rusty coat and yellow eyes that stood out so. After a few hours the pair traveled together and beheld many sights. By the end of the day they were standing on a cliff gazing at another river flowing through an open valley. Forest lined the space and a butte rose up. It was blissful here. Bliss. Something they hadn't experienced for what seemed to be a long time.

L began to continue down the slope and took a quick, inviting glance at D as to make her come. He went on before she did but she followed suit, avoiding many rocks and trees along the way. The fresh air reminded her of home. Home, a thing she wouldn't meet again. Invasive thoughts conquered her attempts to extinguish them. She just let them. (try something more along the lines of she didn’t stop them) Things were going to happen, and in retrospect, her moping about solved nothing at all. After about 20 minutes (of) travel the two wolves were on flat ground. What they had seen earlier seemed not to even exist(to not even exist). D decided to dub the area Slough Creek, due to her "shedding" her old self and becoming a whole new wolf. Ah, philosophy.(unsure about this)

After taking a long, satisfactory drink at the river, D and L continued on at a slow, trudging pace. It was painful, actually, how slow it was. The air was muggy and added to the effect. The sun held itself above them for what seemed like hours and heated up everything. It was horrible. Like your worst nightmare horrible. Nature could be unforgivable. The pair relentlessly struggled on all while being miserable. D's blood was practically boiling under her skin, and the way she clenched her teeth didn't help at all.

D was stoic and serious during the whole ordeal. He decided that maybe he would set an example for the struggling D beside him. Although, the male was suffering badly on the inside. (combine sentences) Images of his own family flashed by and caused him lots of anguish. His pups, his mate... all (of) the positive in him fought hard and long. He glanced at D with dulled yellow eyes and sat. The female before him practically fell on the ground in a heap of sighs and uncomfortableness (not an actual word, I think). She hated this, although they had traveled a good deal since the start.

After more anger, and L even snapping at D at one point, the wolves entered a stretch of forest and proceeded to become mates. (whoa, whoa, what? That happened too fast. You need more detail) No puppies ever came, though. No signs of them showed on her body and eventually they gave up. D became more depressed about this. How could this happen? What terrible being made all this happen to her? (fragment) Between all the deaths and the puppies that never would be, she was mentally falling apart. Thoughts plagued her every night and drove away any sleep. The colors that once interested her seemed distant and meaningless. Life had lost its beauty. L was, as usual, solemn. (solemn as usual, I think it fits better) He paid next to no heed to her depression and only really interacted with her when hunting. He became more distant than herself (I recommend D). As if, really, he did not care for the barren female. (Try rewording it. “As if he did not truly care for the barren female” or something like that.)

Really, she was lucky he had stood with her this far, but her streak of luck had ended one day. His cold stare pierced into her very soul. She played that russet male for a complete and utter fool. Those days of running around and playing were over. All of that ended as he mysteriously walked away, those legs pulling forward in the wind. At first, she thought he was hunting and she caught up to him in a jog. She looked to him with bright gold eyes. He turned away and let out a growl. Her heart jumped at this. Never had he done this. As he turned to avoid her, she caught up (to him. He went) out into full dominance mode and made an attempt to strike her jugular. She moved just in time and ran away. Far, far away. (ran far away) D hated him now, that disgusting creature. No more would she think of her family, no, she thought about him.

(Overall, it’s been good. But I feel that you rushed the hatred between the wolves. I suggest another paragraph or two showing the tension between the pair grow. And for her thoughts to turn to murder, you definitely need more detail.)

Thoughts of murder filled up her brain capacity. She was angry, so angry. She wanted L to die. Sin plagued her. He would die. She stepped deeper into the shade of the trees and many scents wafted through her nostrils but only one caught her (attention). L. He was here.(combine) She quickly altered her course and followed relentlessly, running and resting when necessary. She could pick up (the/her) pace very quickly, she noticed. Pure rage fueled her along now. She probably couldn't run like this before. The scent slowly became fresher every step D took.

Wrath could really change a creature.(really could change) The forest floor eventually rose to become cliffs that towered over everything else. By this time the sun was setting. She maliciously glowered at the sunset. She inhaled deeply at the fresh scent of L. No more of him. (I suggest you take this out. “No more of him” doesn’t make sense to me) Her ears perked forward and she grinned. She caught sight of him right then. He was shocked as she lunged at him. She missed but he stumbled. His pupils dilated as he slowly lost his footing. She didn't realize, really, as she only focused at his eyes. (take out really) D lunged again and took him off the edge and nearly herself as well. He fell and eventually hit the ground and died bloodless. Suddenly a realization struck the murderer. All those moments with L, seemed to vanish. The thing was, though, he was never there in the first place.

L had never existed.

(Again, his death was too rushed. Slow it down and add more detail. But I love the mysterious ending you give it.)

Now reading Sunny's overall comment on your story, he hit the nail on the head. Follow that boy's advice. He knows what he's talking about.

[Sunny]

Glad I could help : )

[Oxy]

Thanks a lot, both of you <3 My story was a little sucky grammar-wise, so you guys really helped with that, and more.

[Vilkodanto/Elektra]

Boredom + Story = editing

[cutie80693]

Sunny my messages wont show on kylarad. They keep disappearing. And its all LYA'S FAULT.

[Oxy]

I would appreciate it if you would not post out of topic. It's against the rules. And how the hell is a glitch in the cbox MY fault?

...

Oh, yeah. I'm that goddamn bitch everybody despises, right? Yup. Contemptuous bitch is my name, being at fault for everything is my game. To. Hell. With. That. If i'm such a condescending jerk then why do you even talk to me? Why do you even visit this site that I made? Oh, yeah. Because your other friends are here, the ones who don't meddle with your posts on the cbox. Well, screw me and my nonexistent shenanigans or whatever. I give up.

[cutie80693]

Im sorry lya. You dont have to get all fussy and stuff. Im sorry I blamed you about my messages being cutted off.

[cutie80693]

And no u did not pissed me off............wonders why u would think that.....