Fantasy Story I'm Working On

[Sunny]

Are you supposed to be a vampire?
I suggest that you spell the name Alice as Alys.
Also, there are a few word choices that maybe need to be revised. Like in the first sentence when " I brushed the grimy rag over the counter once more in a feeble attempt to see my own reflection," it doesn't quite work since it's implying that this is her last chance at trying to see her refection which would logically make it her strongest attempt. So maybe replacing 'brushed' with scrubbed and 'feeble' with desperate? Another point: thedescription of Alice is a little on the long side. People tend to prefer action to description. This can easily be fixed by either taking out the word 'golden' or 'white-blonde'. Golden is contradicted when you say white-blonde and this will also help to reduce the wordiness.
Over all it's a good start. There are some weaker spots that can easily be fixed but I look forward to reading more =D

[Ɲoquisi]

Thanks! I'll work on it, and yeah, Ayden is supposed to be a vampire. I didn't really want her name to be Alys, but now that you point it out, I like it. I'll change that and keep working.

[Sunny]

Alys is just the medieval way to spell it.

[Ɲoquisi]

Have you read the Ranger's Apprentice series?

[Sunny]

Nope. But I've heard they're good

[Ɲoquisi]

Yeah. And there's a character named Alyss. :3 Ok. Making the new chapter.

[Sunny]

There might be two 's's <<didn't know how else to phrase that XP

[Sunny]

I like it but I'm very confused about the limits of technology. You have an atomic camera but no cell phone? I believe a little more explination about this place is necessary before you jump into the story.

[Ɲoquisi]

It is a very primitive camera, like the description says. Like, insert film rolls and large flash ones. They have phones but they are attached to the walls. I'll explain more soon. Stay tuned!

[Sunny]

Alrighty

[Sunny]

So Ayden is a guy? Didn't catch on to that in the first couple of posts XP