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Post by Andraste on Mar 3, 2012 20:48:50 GMT -5
Shifting in the Shadows
Lurking in the depth
Seeing the things
No one cares to show
They have no name
They have no image
They are the feeling of being watched
When you're up to no good
Everywhere and nowhere
They are the nobodies
Our wrongs
Our rights
Our truths
Our lies
Nobodies are us
Is it trash? What do you think? How can i make it better?
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Post by Vilkodanto/Elektra on Mar 3, 2012 20:52:04 GMT -5
personally, i liked it better than your last one... but i still have no knowledge of poetry...
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Post by Thαnαtσs on Mar 3, 2012 20:52:08 GMT -5
It's great, but I think you should add another stanza explaining how we are the nobodies, if you understand what I mean. Like 'Nobodies are us. We.......'
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Post by Sunny on Mar 4, 2012 8:49:33 GMT -5
rhyyyyymmmmeeee XP
I agree with Jagoo. You go into a lot of detail about what the nobodies are but you don't give any explination about what makes someone a nobody. Adding another stanza would help to clarify the meaning behind the poem. Also, shadows should not have an apostrophe in the first line and the 'n' in the fourth line isn't capitalized like all the others and that kind of bothers me, but other than that it's solid gramatically.
I like it more every time I read it, and I hope you'll take our advice to heart and post an updated version soon!
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Post by Andraste on Mar 5, 2012 16:01:08 GMT -5
Thanks!! This all really helps a lot, i was wondering what to add and now i've got a few ideas!
And i will NOT rhyme!!! I can't make a good rhyming poem!!
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Post by Thαnαtσs on Mar 5, 2012 20:45:01 GMT -5
Merrrr >,<
Maybe you could replace 'Nobodys are us' with 'We are the nobodys' or something?
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