Gluttony

[Ɲoquisi]

My C.E. Poem. Andraste reminded me....

In candlelight,
I met Gluttony,
In the candlelight
On the grimy tabletop.
Oh how fat he was!
As the greedy!

"Why are you a sickly pale white,
Against this dark table?"
I asked.
"And fat as if you are constantly eating
All the time?

"You that starve yourself,"
He countered,
"In the waking hours,
Forget you CAN eat more.
Always more."
He said shoving more food down his throat.

The hungry beside him moaned and groaned,
Unable to eat.
Shackled to the floor, hunched over.

His booming laugh rang out as I
Walked out of the tiny, grimy room,
And closed the door.

ooc; This was taken from a poem called Prince of Peacocks. I took the same type of stanzas, and some of the woods, but mine all the same. Here's a link to the poem. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anecdote_of_the_Prince_of_Peacocks

[Vilkodanto/Elektra]

I suck at poetry....... was never good at it. my word is schism....... dont have a poem yet.

[Andraste]

yay! you put yours on to!
its still great, and isnt that what he wanted??

[Vilkodanto/Elektra]

i'm not puttin mine up. although, i think its the best poem ive written. i met let one of you read it...

[Sunny]

Vilkodantu, the only way to get better is to let others read it and give you their opinion. If you disagree with them, then do what you think is best and thank them anyway for taking the time to comment. You seriously have nothing to lose. I think we're all mature enough here to give you honest answers and not judge you on a personal level based on your work. You have to take chances in order to improve. You can write the best poem in the world, but it won't matter that it's the best if no one ever gets to read it.

Very interesting, Noquisi. I have issues with poems that don't rhyme though XP I like structure, and free form confuses me, but once again that's just my personal preference. It needs one more stanza; I loved the last stanza in the real poem. I really like how you made the poems so similar to the original, but changed the theme and used your own words.

[Ɲoquisi]

I... I don't know where to begin. Sunny, you amazed me with what you said to Vilkodantu, and I don't think ANYONE could have said it better.

Vilkodantu, I agree totally with Sunny, but you posting your work is your own decision. I'd love to read it though.

And Sunny, I also have a problem with non-rhyming poems, but I'm also lazy, so I didn't make it rhyme. I couldn't remember the original version, and I think I botched the final stanzas, so that is a problem. I'll modify one day to get it right.

Thank you all.