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Post by Andraste on Oct 6, 2011 14:50:50 GMT -5
Alright at the request of someone on this site, im going to post a poem i had to do in school. Its called Chaos. Among the shifting tides, a calm sweep settles over the sea. Within this serenity, I met him, the eye within the raging storm, Chaos. "Where do you hide?" I ask. "Where do you hide in our golden sanity, like a black thorn amongst the red roses?" You say you're sane," He shrugs "In the midst of sanity and your precious serenity. That is where chaos is born and bred. It is where chaos reign supreme!" Looking back upon those seas I relize, In every golden rose, that's where the black thorns reside. There can not be roses without, the dreaded black thorns. Well go easy and if you see anything wrong PLEASE PLEASE tell cause i am getting a grade on this...  |
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Post by Sunny on Oct 6, 2011 15:29:50 GMT -5
>exploes into grammar geek<
Not bad, I like how there's not really any structure to it. That really brings out the whole 'chaos' thing. And another thing I caught, you use the wrong form of the word 'rain' in line 17, you should use reign. Another inconsistencey thing is you use red roses in the beginning and gold towards the end. I suppose it sort of works since you describe sanity as being golden, but I think it would make your overall piece stronger if you choose just one colour. You also use 'mist' when you mean 'midst'. It's good though, I like the concept and the story behind it. It reminds me of that song 'Every Rose has it's Thorns' (:
Hope this was helpful!
ooc; just decided that I really don't like the word chaos, it's so malodramtic, of course that's just my personal preferance q:
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Post by Andraste on Oct 6, 2011 15:45:41 GMT -5
Gee thanks!! That’s going to help a lot; I have a slight spelling and grammar problem....
The red rose was just a like comparison, but the gold and black thorns at the end were meant to be representing chaos and sanity. And that’s for the words, I didn’t even realize it! And the ocean was part of the setting...
It was really helpful
Ooc: to bad, that’s my word and I’m not going to rewrite a whole poem soo sucks for you!
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Post by Sunny on Oct 6, 2011 15:56:35 GMT -5
ooc; I wasn't asking you to change it, I was merely stating my opinion. When I re-read your poem I figured out the ocean part, mea culpa Yeah, I get that gold represents sanity, but you're also representing it with the rose. Roses can be yellow, so I was trying to say that if you make the rose golden too then it will make the comparison stronger. Don't get me wrong, it's still an excellent poem, and I doubt your teacher would be picky enough to take off points for that, it just helps the reader to connect the two if you describe them as being the same. Does that make sense? |
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Post by Andraste on Oct 6, 2011 16:20:12 GMT -5
yup yup yup! thats for the info it helps a lot to get a second view on it!
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Post by Vilkodanto/Elektra on Oct 7, 2011 16:59:24 GMT -5
im just gonna say.... its better than mine......... although thats not saying much............................ you can read mine, andraste, if you want.
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Post by Andraste on Oct 7, 2011 17:05:42 GMT -5
smart boy.
cool, when? where?
these are the questions that haunt my life
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Post by Thαnαtσs on Oct 8, 2011 13:04:15 GMT -5
i almost freaking cried (but not reallly) BEAUTIFULLLLLL I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT ITS SO PURDY
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